Online Dating Rules

Okay guys...here is some collected wisdom for you...if you happen to be perusing the online dating sites, here are a few things to watch out for...things that scare me away:

a. If her screen name has "pookie" or "snookums" in it...RUN LIKE HELL! I have come to the realization that "pookie" and "snookums" are secret dating code for no blow jobs ever...she might as well scream "I don't suck dick..." Got that??? There will be a test later!

b. If there is a picture of her with a dog, cat, car or stuffed animal...RUN! (see rule a.) okay you might get a blow job if she has dog, cat or car...maybe...but a stuffed animal? Uhh...no!

c. With apologies to STEELY DAN, If there is a black and white picture of her that reminds you of your favorite foreign movie...RUN!!...listen carefully: sultry looks are the visual equivalent of high emotional maintenance, I should probably repeat that statement for those of you still drooling at the pic and not paying attention...by the way how many of you know that STEELY DAN was named after a dildo??? Hmm? Show of hands...anyone??

d. If her opening line starts out with the words "Lonely woman in search of...." RUN UNTIL YOUR LUNGS BURST..."Lonely woman in search of..." is not-so-secret dating code for the fact she cant have an orgasm and even her closest friends wont answer her phone calls after 9pm

e. If her 'favorite travel destination' is a place you can't afford....RUN, unless you want to spend the rest of your life hearing ex-BF stories...same thing with her favorite car, if you can't afford her favorite car...well yr toast...

f. If there is a picture of her in ski clothes, ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice football season for the rest of your life...

g. If she says she doesnt watch TV (see rule f.)

h. There is no such thing as "no strings attached"....repeat : there is NO such thing as "NO STRINGS ATTACHED"...you might as well date Pinnochio's sister

i. If she says she like Renaissance Faires, RUN...I dont care if yr promised a threesome with Heather Graham, RUN...don't go to the Renaissance Faire unless you get the threesome first....then break up the next morning after you do the threesome...oh, don't forget to ask for Heathers phone number, dreamer.

j. If she has more tattoos or less piercings than you...yr probably fucked but its worth a shot...

k. If her profile says she has bi-tendencies, she already has a bf....probably two...and she definitely has a gf that is smoking hot and makes twice as much money as yr sorry ass. Just sigh and move on. Next.

l. Okay this is the most important rule of all, never and I repeat, NEVER date anyone taking four or more kinds of prescription medications, especially if two or more are anti-depressants...trust me on this one!!!!

m. Everyone online is dysfunctional....I mean dys-funk-shun-uhl...the online possible chance you have, is to find someone whose dysfunction complements your dysfunction....have fun...


More rules to come as I think of them....

Bad Beat

8:22 am....Tues morning...am getting killed in poker tournaments...getting called by very weak hands who are drawing out on me...last night I pushed all in pre flop with JJ...there was 2,500 in the pot when it came to me....I pushed for 8,500 more...got called by a 5,6 off who barely had me covered and watched in horror as flop of 4,4,2 hit and the 3 came on the turn giving the idiot caller an inside straight...I think it is these horrendous bad beats that has really impacted my game....I have strayed from my game making very poor calls myself..strayed from the basics of the game that served me so well when playing online...yes I have some decent cashes recently, but there was a time I could make final table after final table online....cashing almost nightly.... (caution: apparent non sequitir ahead) I once had a tour of the Don Best Sports Services, Inc. offices in Las Vegas....impressive operation...I will never forget walking out and seeing a car in the parking lot....license plate said BAD BEAT....wonder if that personalized plate is available in Ca....and (at the risk of being totally redundant) the worst part of getting a series of bad beats is that affects your decision making....it destroys science...destroys logic...destroys focus and interferes with solid play....you sometimes think cards don't matter...its all a fucking lottery....night before last, I got all my money in preflop...huge pot in the middle of the tournament, whoever wins the pot takes over chip lead....anyway, I get my money in with 10,10 vs two opponents who hold A, 10 suited and 5,5...flop comes 10, 5, 3 rainbow (all different suits)...A blank K comes on the turn....I'm a 97.7% favorite to take over the chip lead....yeah, you guessed it...the last 5 comes on the river so my opponent makes quads to beat me....BAD BEAT....the problem with being a 41:1 favorite is you only win 41 out of 42 hands...you lose a hand somewhere along the way...I can live with that....I just want to know why I have to lose when all the chips are in the pot and I'm about to become chip leader...BAD BEAT....the only thing I can say is that I have become more stoic, taking the bad beats in stride....I do remember about 3 years ago...taking a bad beat like that and punching a hole in my door...of course I wasn't contented with the hole in the door...so I got in a full-fledged fight with my door...punching untill the door was destroyed...it was at the moment I realized the door might have gotten the best of thing as I had blood all over my hands and some searing pain.....doors put a better fight than you might think...kind of a Tai Chi thing...using yr own force against you....dont fight doors...just pillows, no one seems to get hurt...BAD BEAT....today is another day...maybe it will go my way today...