a salsa with matching socks?

So I'm going to be a judge in the Great Petaluma Chili Cookoff. I wrote a bio...I tried to write a normal bio. I just wasnt feeling it...in the words of Yoda, "incapable was I" of writing a normal bio....I finally ended up with the toned description of my salsa credentials as follows:


Despite his free-spirit Michael is a salsa traditionalist. He believes that a great salsa should remind him of an afternoon in Cabo drinking Pacificos watching the whales or a night in Costa Rica eating fresh ceviche. He believes a champion salsa should remind him of a girl of dubious character named Consuelo.


Actually I think a great salsa should be slutty and tawdry...wearing ripped fishnets like a jammer for the Sonoma County Homewreckers Roller Derby team. A great salsa is like exceptional food...highly evocative. Great food evokes powerful memories: sailing in the Chesapeake, scuba diving in Aruba, walking through the Hong Kong airport your first time, a cabana in Honduras, your first little league baseball uniform,....great food is a chance meeting with intriguing celebrity...noticing Paloma Picasso sitting on the bar stool next to you, Mick Fleetwood asking you directions....great food is hitting a perfect drive on the 18th at Pebble Beach....great food is an insulted girlfriend throwing a drink in your face in public. Okay so great food isnt always perfect, but its memorable.

Yesterday was a little salsa pre-event in studio at KSRO....one salsa stood out before we even started. I could see fire-roasted tomatoes and fresh cilantro...a beautiful contrast in colors.
The other salsas were commercial entries, I was skeptical. And three salsa entries were mango based, one was described as a key lime salsa...I was momentarily enchanted by the words key lime, I could almost taste the key lime pie melting in my mouth...mmmmhhh, but when Laura Sunday called them fruity salsas I snapped to my senses...there is a word for fruity salsas....the word is CHUTNEY!! a salsa that goes better with tea and crumpets is not salsa....I don't want a salsa that tastes good over ice cream....I dont want salsa that listens to Kenny G or has matching socks, I dont want a salsa that has car seat covers...a smooth jazz salsa with sheepskin??? Pass....next entry please

I want a salsa with worn out floorboards and an arrest record....I want a salsa that cheats on her boyfriend....I want a salsa with a secret life....slipping away to Vegas for the weekend to do lap dances for $20 a pop...I want a salsa that likes mud wrestling. I want a salsa that failed economics in college. I want a salsa that has stayed up for three days. I want a salsa that has been to rehab.

There is no such thing as a good christian salsa...no such thing as a salsa that resists temptation...no such thing as a salsa that doesnt kiss and tell, no such thing as a salsa that drives a Volvo at the speed limit.....I want my salsa in a convertible, half-naked causing commotion on Highway 1 near Ft Ross. I want my salsa wearing leopard print to a funereal....I want my salsa doing Jello shots and shooting pool. I want my salsa hung over and bleary eyed. I want my salsa to be grumpy and irritable. I want my salsa throwing chairs like Bobby Knight. I want my salsa to have a golf swing like Charles Barkley.

So with a little bit of trepidation I will head to Petaluma on Saturday...and look for Consuelo...

...to be continued

The competition was fun...pure Americana....the top three finishers were described as follows:

1. A salsa that would get the most beads at Mardi Gras...the full Consuelo.
2. A mean tattooed salsa that hangs around in biker bars looking for a fight...but like Mickey Rourke in Barfly, he loses more bar fights than he wins
3. A genuine suiza tomatillo surprise....

...til next year